CSI Wedding Vows: Ripped From the Headlines

One of the things I have to do as a writer is to peruse daily headlines to ensure that my articles are up-to-date. It always amazes me when the news reports on all of the off-the-wall stuff that married people get up to. Being newly single again and once more on the dating scene, my friends wanted to “help” me craft an online dating profile. Nope, I am done with online dating. Too much weirdness. However, when the topic moved to writing your own wedding vows, I was all for it, even though it was getting a bit ahead of our single selves. As I’ve said before, writing teachers tell me to write about what I know, and after two years of writing, I know headlines.

So if I was ever crazy enough to get married, this is what my “CSI Wedding Vows” might look like:

I promise never to:

*Kill, cook and eat you

*Misplace your children

*Go after your ex while wearing adult diapers

*Crawl down your chimney, get stuck, die and then smell bad

*Pick you up from your hair plug appointment with the convertible top down

*Drive around with your long-dead corpse in the front seat … with the convertible top down

*Plant your corpse in the freezer among the frozen vegetables you really hate, like lima beans

*Chop off certain body parts, or if I do, not to put them down the garbage disposal where they cannot be retrieved

*Use your favorite router to make frozen daiquiris

*Change your Netflix, Qwikster movie preferences to footie pajama party porn

*Drive your car through your house and into your side of the bedroom

*Sell your porn collection on eBay … for a dollar

*Sew shut the front of your boxers out of sheer frustration

*Hem your pants with pink duct tape

*Call you Bubba unless that is really your name

*Send you to work with your lunch in some Hello Kitty Tupperware

*Cook an antifreeze casserole for you

*Erase your memory

*Play the drums better than you

*Post your cross-dressing pictures on Facebook

*Sleep with your identical twin and swear “I thought it was you.”

*Make sure the nurse marks the wrong leg for amputation

*Turn your pool table into a sewing project area

*Reveal your “Ace of Base” addiction

*Re-alphabetize your iTunes music library … in Farsi

*Use your state championship bowling trophy as a cookie press

*Serve you a “divorce cake.” For dessert. With divorce papers printed on a napkin.

Hmmm. That’s a lot of promises…


4 Responses

  1. That is a lot of promises, but most seem pretty do-able…except maybe the daiquiri thing…even in the men’s version of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, alcohol trumps power tools…

  2. i think guys (especially ones with 6 year old daughters) wouldn’t object to the Hello Kitty tupperware…… i know my husband wouldn’t. 🙂

    • I wonder how far your daughter could take the Hello Kitty theme w/ Greg. Perhaps a daddy makeover over with Hello Kitty accessories…Just a thought…

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